Saying No To Our Children
By Chip DeLorenzo
When I first started teaching, I observed a young girl named Lauren approach her friend, Allison, and ask to use one of her fancy new pencils. Lauren queried in a very syrupy fashion, with lots of eye batting. I expected Allison to either say “Yes” or give an explanation as to why not. Instead, Allison simply looked kindly at Lauren and said, “No,” followed by… silence. Lauren didn’t seem to know where to go, said, “Oh,” and went off to find another pencil.
As adults, we often either say no too often or explain ourselves when we do. When children hear no, they become discouraged and engage in manipulation or power struggles. When adults don’t feel comfortable saying no or give explanations every time they do so, children engage in arguments, power struggles or manipulation.
Ways to Avoid Overusing “No”
1. For younger children, prepare the home environment so that items that children shouldn’t touch are out of reach.
2. Show children what to do vs. what not to do.
3. Make the time for teaching (e.g. manners, routines, social skills, household chores).
4. Allow children to make their own mistakes and to learn from them. Check in later to process.
5. Use non-verbal communication (e.g. point, remind with your eyes and a smile, etc.).
6. Redirect younger children (under age five) to a positive action or activity.
Ways to Avoid Explaining When Saying “No”
1. Say, “I love you, but no.” (then… silence, like Allison).
2. Involve children in creating routines and ground rules (they’re often firmer than adults), so the answer no follows through from a previous agreement.
3. Let routines be the boss, and involve children in the creation of those routines. When routines are consistent, then a child who pushes back and says, “I want to stay up and watch TV!” can be redirected with a simple, “No. It’s bedtime.” (then… silence).
4. Use the answer no sparingly so that when you say no it’s taken more seriously.
5. If you feel that a child truly doesn’t understand your reasons for saying no. Stay firm – they don’t have to agree with your reasons.
6. Be kind and firm at the same time.
November 2011