Maximize Your Talent LLC

By Chip DeLorenzo

Over the holiday break, I was skiing with my two oldest children, Nicholas, age 5, and Quinn, age 10. We were skiing with close friends, spending time with them before they moved out of state. It was a bittersweet couple of days. While it was wonderful spending time with my boys with few daily distractions, it was sad when we realized that this was going to be one of the last times we got to spend a weekend together with Brian and his family. During a breakfast conversation we discussed how we interacted with our children as they learned to ski, especially when they were struggling or fell. Brian felt that he jumped in too quickly to help his kids when they had fallen, that it was hard it watch them struggle. I couldn’t help but agree. It was a serendipitous conversation, as this MYT for Parents article was on deadline.

I learned a great deal about my son Nicholas and his ability to overcome adversity during those days.  As you may know, when you learn to ski, you fall a lot.  This is Nicholas’s second year skiing, and he is still learning how to navigate the trail and stay in control of his skis (and speed).  During the first few runs, he spent quite a bit of time on bottom. As he began to fall, I remembered watching his ski instructor last year spend quite a bit of time teaching him and other children how to get up when they fell. Here are some of the things I observed from her:

• She didn’t wait for the children to fall to teach them how to get up.
• She started off by letting them know that they were going to fall as they learned, and that getting up was the most important thing they could learn!
• She also showed them how to put on their skis by themselves on the side of a mountain.
• She then helped them for the first couple of falls, offering encouragement.
• After the first few times they were on their own, even in challenging circumstances.
• She displayed a lot of confidence in their ability to take care of themselves, and was always kind.
• She never did for the children what she knew they could do for themselves.

I watched her work with my son over the week, incredibly gratified to watch his confidence in himself grow, not only on skis, but in his behavior as he found new strength within himself. It was a great reminder of how important it is for children to experience their own trials and difficulties in order to discover their own capabilities.

As a parent, it was also a good time to reflect on how easy it is to both over-help and under-help our children, both of which invite dependency, low self-esteem and lack of resilience. By not allowing children to have their own experiences, we rob them of the opportunity to strengthen their disappointment and discomfort muscles, and to discover how capable they can be.

At a time when every advertisement we see or hear promises the end to discomfort and inconvenience, it is difficult to remember that growing pains are essential. It is this discomfort and disappointment that helps us learn to make healthy decisions, to discover our inherent ability to overcome adversity.

It was difficult to follow the example of the ski instructor with Nicholas this weekend. I had to be very intentional in allowing him to get up himself, and encourage (not rescue) him when he was struggling. I also had to make sure that I offered encouragement whenever he really needed it so he wouldn’t become discouraged. As the weekend went on I watched his confidence grow. His emotional resilience increased as I demonstrated confidence in his abilities to get up and deal with discomfort. I also watched how his successes really became his own.

By the end of the weekend Nicholas was actually demanding that I not help him egress from the chair lift. If you’ve ever learned to ski, you know this part can be one of the more intimidating and challenging parts, as well as one of the scariest times to “let go” as a parent. As we ascended to the top of the run, Nicholas exclaimed, “Dad, I can do it by myself!” Unfortunately, those were not the words I was hoping to hear, but I did manage to allow him to do it himself. Sure enough, he disembarked successfully by himself. His comment immediately afterward was, “I told you I could do it by myself!” Yes you did, Nicholas, yes you did.

Next month we’ll discuss some specific strategies on how to allow children to experience appropriate challenges and the according successes and discouragements in a way that teaches children to become confident, capable and resilient.

Photo courtesy of flickr user badkleinkircheim.