Managing stress is a day-to-day battle, and it is helpful to focus on the good things in life when a particular day or event seems overwhelming mentally and emotionally. Life is unpredictable and the focus of  MYT is to always prioritize the important things in life and devalue those things that are bothersome and insignificant. There is a short story called “The Mayonnaise Jar” that reminds me of the MYT workshop. The story reads as follows:

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, When 24 hours in a day is not enough; remember the mayonnaise jar and 2 cups of coffee.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. 

When the class  began, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and started to fill it with golf balls. 

He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. 

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured it into the jar.  He shook the jar lightly.  The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. 

He then asked the students again if the jar was full.  They agreed it was. 

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.  Of course, the sand filled up everything else. 

He asked once more if the jar was full. 

The students responded with a unanimous ‘yes.’

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. 

The students laughed. 

Now, said the professor, as the laughter subsided, I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.  

The golf balls are the important things: God, family, children, health, friends and favorite passions. Things that if everything else was lost and  only they remained, your life would still be full. 

The pebbles are the things that matter like your job, house and car. 

The sand is everything else: the small stuff. 

If you put the sand into the jar first, he continued, there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.  The same goes for life. 

If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. So, pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.  Play with your children, take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner to dinner. 

There will always be time to clean the house and fix the dripping tap. 

Take care of the golf balls first – things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand. 

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled and said I’m glad you asked. 

It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend. 

The MYT workshop provides a plan and details the steps that help make the search for peace and happiness attainable. I am lucky to have had the opportunity to attend MYT.

Wendy Gorman
Marinaccio, Sangirardi & Associates | A financial advisory practice of Ameriprise Financial Services, Inc.

Photo: Hourglass by flickr user John-Morgan.

Last month we discussed three tools to use with children to help with follow-through.  The purpose of using these tools with children is to create a respectful family environment for children and adults. The idea is to create that environment for both children and adults.  To do so it is important to be kind at the same time as being firm.

Children really want to know that we mean what we say, and will only say what we mean.  This helps them feel safe and in control, versus feeling controlled because our behavior is predictable. When they can predict how we react, they can manage their reactions and emotions consistently.

Thinking through limits before we set them is really important to being able to follow through. For instance, a mistake that I made was when I told my three-year-old that I would leave him at the house if he didn’t put his shoes on. I was bluffing, as you can imagine. I did not think this through to insure that I could follow through, and I bet you can guess his reaction: “OK, Dad, I’ll stay here.”  Whoops!

So, if we’re kind and firm, consistent, and to what we say we will do, we develop trust and mutual respect with our children. Here are three more tools for setting kind and firm limits with children that maintains their dignity and sanity , as well as your own:

1. Create special signals with your child ahead of time. This is especially helpful in public situations. You can set up a signal of putting your hand on their shoulder if they are interrupting you, which conveys “I love you and hear you, but I’m going to finish my conversation before we talk.”
2. Use 10 words or less when making a request. In response to an objection either say nothing and stay present, or simply repeat the exact same request with no change in tone.
3. If your child is doing something that they shouldn’t and you both know that fact, then simply make eye contact, say nothing, and wait for them to make their own correction. Note: it’s really important that you are certain that your child and you both know why you are making silent eye contact; otherwise this could be confusing or intimidating. The principal is to be kind and firm at the same time.

In workshops with parents we call these tools “Alternatives to Nagging.” Bext time you feel yourself ready to launch into reminding, coaxing, nagging or complaining, try one of these tools, and see if it fits.

Photo: Trust by flickr user CairoCarol

By Chip DeLorenzo

Over the holiday break, I was skiing with my two oldest children, Nicholas, age 5, and Quinn, age 10. We were skiing with close friends, spending time with them before they moved out of state. It was a bittersweet couple of days. While it was wonderful spending time with my boys with few daily distractions, it was sad when we realized that this was going to be one of the last times we got to spend a weekend together with Brian and his family. During a breakfast conversation we discussed how we interacted with our children as they learned to ski, especially when they were struggling or fell. Brian felt that he jumped in too quickly to help his kids when they had fallen, that it was hard it watch them struggle. I couldn’t help but agree. It was a serendipitous conversation, as this MYT for Parents article was on deadline.

I learned a great deal about my son Nicholas and his ability to overcome adversity during those days.  As you may know, when you learn to ski, you fall a lot.  This is Nicholas’s second year skiing, and he is still learning how to navigate the trail and stay in control of his skis (and speed).  During the first few runs, he spent quite a bit of time on bottom. As he began to fall, I remembered watching his ski instructor last year spend quite a bit of time teaching him and other children how to get up when they fell. Here are some of the things I observed from her:

• She didn’t wait for the children to fall to teach them how to get up.
• She started off by letting them know that they were going to fall as they learned, and that getting up was the most important thing they could learn!
• She also showed them how to put on their skis by themselves on the side of a mountain.
• She then helped them for the first couple of falls, offering encouragement.
• After the first few times they were on their own, even in challenging circumstances.
• She displayed a lot of confidence in their ability to take care of themselves, and was always kind.
• She never did for the children what she knew they could do for themselves.

I watched her work with my son over the week, incredibly gratified to watch his confidence in himself grow, not only on skis, but in his behavior as he found new strength within himself. It was a great reminder of how important it is for children to experience their own trials and difficulties in order to discover their own capabilities.

As a parent, it was also a good time to reflect on how easy it is to both over-help and under-help our children, both of which invite dependency, low self-esteem and lack of resilience. By not allowing children to have their own experiences, we rob them of the opportunity to strengthen their disappointment and discomfort muscles, and to discover how capable they can be.

At a time when every advertisement we see or hear promises the end to discomfort and inconvenience, it is difficult to remember that growing pains are essential. It is this discomfort and disappointment that helps us learn to make healthy decisions, to discover our inherent ability to overcome adversity.

It was difficult to follow the example of the ski instructor with Nicholas this weekend. I had to be very intentional in allowing him to get up himself, and encourage (not rescue) him when he was struggling. I also had to make sure that I offered encouragement whenever he really needed it so he wouldn’t become discouraged. As the weekend went on I watched his confidence grow. His emotional resilience increased as I demonstrated confidence in his abilities to get up and deal with discomfort. I also watched how his successes really became his own.

By the end of the weekend Nicholas was actually demanding that I not help him egress from the chair lift. If you’ve ever learned to ski, you know this part can be one of the more intimidating and challenging parts, as well as one of the scariest times to “let go” as a parent. As we ascended to the top of the run, Nicholas exclaimed, “Dad, I can do it by myself!” Unfortunately, those were not the words I was hoping to hear, but I did manage to allow him to do it himself. Sure enough, he disembarked successfully by himself. His comment immediately afterward was, “I told you I could do it by myself!” Yes you did, Nicholas, yes you did.

Next month we’ll discuss some specific strategies on how to allow children to experience appropriate challenges and the according successes and discouragements in a way that teaches children to become confident, capable and resilient.

Photo courtesy of flickr user badkleinkircheim.

First: We will be offering our first MYT Original™ program on February 27th in NYC.  Registration can be completed on our website.  Remember that we limit attendance to 12 participants per program and that the Early Bird Discount saves you $400 if submitted on or before February 7th.  (Additional promotional discounts are also available.)  To help launch this product, Dr. Fred Luskin and other Associates  will be presenting a free WebEx session patterned after the work being done at Stanford University.  Here is a link to a San Francisco Chronicle article that speaks about this work.

Second: MYT Express™, our WebEx product, is in the final stages of its Beta test and should be ready for nationwide presentation by late March or early April. This web-based initiative features many MYT Original’s™ bells and whistles, which you can find out about here.

Third: We are changing the column you know as MYT for Kids to MYT for Parents based on feedback from many of you. Ultimately, our children and grandchildren benefit most from this positive approach, but the information is intended for parenting. This column has been well received by many of you because of the quick transference to family interactions.

Fourth: The 2012 speaking fee for the EQ not IQ is the Differentiator in attaining Optimal Performance Workshop is now $750 (plus travel expenses) unless you work for a not-for-profit entity.  In that case there is no fee; we limit them to 10 per year.  First come, first serve is our policy, so act quickly. Two new speakers have joined us: Mary Brown on the West Coast and Walter Booker on the East Coast. Find out more about them here.

Fifth: MYT for Parents™, a WebEx program, has graduated from the first draft stage of development and should be ready for Beta Testing in the Spring.

Sixth: A new promotional workshop entitled “The Power of Intention” has been crafted and will be showcased in Washington DC in early January. Once we have initiated the feedback, we will bring it to your attention. It is best suited for Sales Organizations.

Other projects on the table include a Dignity Initiative, which is in its early stages.  We will be interviewing at Columbia University for a grad student to lead this work. A number of advisors at Ameriprise have already volunteered to assist us.

That’s all for now,
Art

Many parents today are worried about not doing enough for their children.  Unspoken expectations and perceived pressure from others is intense.  Our families are more and more engaged in high levels of external activity in an effort to give our families the best: lessons, after-school activities, adult activities, volunteer work, careers, a perfectly clean or remodeled house, community service, etc.  With the best intentions we try to be super-parents, involved in every aspect of our children’s lives.  While many of these activities are intrinsically good for us or for our children, the pressure that we put on ourselves and our families to achieve them is not.

It is vital in helping develop emotionally capable and resilient children to have down time with their families, time to make choices, to connect, to rest, to work together and to bond.  An over abundance of activity and stress, mixed with a shortage of rest and bonding time, is a recipe for stress.  There is a plethora of research that shows that stress has negative impact on brain development, especially in the first six years of a child’s life.

“When a young child’s stress response systems are activated within an environment of supportive relationships with adults, these physiological effects are buffered and brought back down to baseline. The result is the development of healthy stress response systems. However, if the stress response is extreme and long-lasting, and buffering relationships are unavailable to the child, the result can be damaging to weakened systems and brain architecture, with lifelong repercussions.” (Toxic Stress Response: The Facts; Center on the Developing Child, Harvard University)

This is why it’s so important to take care of ourselves as parents, to protect our down time, and set reasonable expectations and limits for ourselves and our children (reasonable meaning likely to be achieved).  As parents, we are setting the bar for our children and modeling healthy behavior that they will most likely replicate as adults.  And as so many people have said to us, “It goes by so quickly.”

Here are some questions to consider while planning for a healthy downtime:

    •    If you knew for sure that down time and family time for your children would guarantee success (you define it), what would your weekly schedule look like?
•    What activities are in your schedule because of “adult peer pressure” (the pressure to be the perfect parent)?
•    What would you like to do with your children if you had the time?
•    What would your children like to do with you if you had the time?
Suggestions for reducing stress in our children:
•    Plan down time and family time in your weekly calendar with the same importance that you would plan a meeting at work. Consider devoting one whole weekend day to be “work free.”
•    Allow more time to do household tasks/chores (maybe cleaning out the garage takes two weeks instead of one).
•    Appropriate your financial resources to free up more time (lawn care, painting, household projects).
•    Involve the children in household chores, and work together VS. working separately (i.e. everyone rakes leaves together, cleans the house together, etc.).
•    Use child care to free up some of your personal time for errands to avoid “dragging the kids” with you.
•    As a family, develop a list of activities that you’d like to do during family time.
•    Involve children in the planning of the logistics of the week and the protection of family down time.
•    Take time for training – teach children how to clean up after themselves, do household chores and participate in family responsibilities so that all the work is not done by the parents alone (this frees up a lot of time!).  Book recommendation: Chores Without Wars, Lynn Lott and Riki Intner (Taylor Trade Publishing, 2005)

December 2011

The Brain & Creativity

Write this man’s name down: Po Bronson. He is behind some scintillating research around our ability to be creative, especially when we need it the most. Let’s go back in time a bit to see where our creativity begins. According to Ashley Merryman of Newsweek Magazine in her June 2010 article entitled “The Creativity Crisis,” a common definition for creativity is the production of something original and useful.  And when were we in a place when we were very creative and it just oozed out of us naturally? I discovered that it is between the ages of six and eight. We imagined a lot at that age. We invented games, friends,and scenarios where we could accomplish whatever we dreamed. Creativity abounded.

In the research that Bronson has done, he points out that since1990 that creativity has declined. Further to his study, according to Kyung Hee Kim at the College of William & Mary also  validated this current reality  in May, 2010, after analyzing almost 300,000 Torrance scores of children and adults. Kim found creativity scores had been steadily increasing, just like IQ scores, until 1990. Since then, creativity scores have consistently inched downward. “It’s very clear, and the decrease is very significant,” Kim says. It is the scores of younger children in America—from kindergarten through sixth grade—for whom the decline is “most serious.” The scoring is determined by psychologists when they administer the Torrance test to youngsters. One example she cited was a psychologist asking an eight-year-old how many improvements he could make in a toy fire truck.  The boy came up with 25.

So what are the consequences of this challenge?  In her article Merryman states, “The necessity of human ingenuity is undisputed. A recent IBM poll of 1,500 CEOs identified creativity as the No. 1 “leadership competency” of the future. Yet it’s not just about sustaining our nation’s economic growth.Matters of national and international importance are crying out for creative solutions, from saving the Gulf of Mexico to bringing peace to Afghanistan to creating an accessible and affordable health care. Such solutions emerge from a healthy marketplace of ideas, sustained by a populace constantly contributing original ideas and receptive to the ideas of others.”

Now that we know creativity is declining and  that there are consequences to this decline,why is it happening? Reasonable speculation swirls around the preoccupation with TV and video games, and one could argue that texting is also a culprit. In addition, the article suggests that in the US creativity is not a focus point as it now is in other countries. Here is what Merryman discovered.  “Around the world, though, other countries are making creativity development a national priority. In 2008 British secondary-school curricula—from science to foreign language—was revamped to emphasize idea generation, and pilot programs have begun using Torrance’s test to assess their progress. The European Union designated 2009 as the European Year of Creativity and Innovation, holding conferences on the neuroscience of creativity, financing teacher training, and instituting problem-based learning programs—curricula driven by real-world inquiry—for both children and adults. In China there has been widespread education reform to extinguish the drill-and-kill teaching style. Instead, Chinese schools are also adopting a problem-based learning approach.”

What can be done?  One of the answers is to teach creativity. Here is more of Merryman’s discovery. “Consider the National Inventors Hall of Fame School, a new public middle school in Akron, Ohio. Mindful of Ohio’s curriculum requirements, the school’s teachers came up with a project for the fifth graders: figure out how to reduce the noise in the library. Its windows faced a public space and, even when closed, let through too much noise. The students had four weeks to design proposals.

“Working in small teams, the fifth graders first engaged in what creativity theorist Donald Treffinger describes as fact-finding. How does sound travel through materials? What materials reduce noise the most? Then, problem-finding—anticipating all potential pitfalls so their designs are more likely to work. Next, idea-finding: generate as many ideas as possible. Drapes, plants or large kites hung from the ceiling would all baffle sound. Or, instead of reducing the sound, maybe mask it by playing the sound of a gentle waterfall? A proposal for double-paned glass evolved into an idea to fill the space between panes with water. Next, solution-finding: which ideas were the most effective, cheapest, and aesthetically pleasing? Fiberglass absorbed sound the best but wouldn’t be safe. Would an aquarium with fish be easier than water-filled panes?

Then teams developed a plan of action. They built scale models and chose fabric samples. They realized they’d need to persuade a janitor to care for the plants and fish during vacation. Teams persuaded others to support them—sometimes so well, teams decided to combine projects. Finally, they presented designs to teachers, parents, and Jim West, inventor of the electric microphone.”

At work, another way to remedy these phenomena is to allow people to have time to participate in “think tanks.” In this initiative, a division’s leader presents a business opportunity to his followers. It could be a client service, product delivery, or quality control issue that is impeding business results.  Then an experienced facilitator leads the group of colleagues through an exercise in solving the problem at the grassroots level.

Another method to increase creativity is to ask employees on a regular basis what ideas or thoughts do they have that could improve systems and results.  This could be added to a regularly scheduled 1 on 1 or it can be as easy as putting up a suggestion box and ask people verbally to consider offering their thoughts.

Finally, as it pertains to our young folks.  Encourage them to think through some of those “why” questions that abound in that six-to-eight age range.  When they ask why is the state capital Albany and not New York, ask them to imagine how many different answers there may be.  Here is more from Merryman on this idea: “Having studied the childhoods of highly creative people for decades, Claremont Graduate University’s Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi and University of Northern Iowa’s Gary G. Gute found highly creative adults tended to grow up in families embodying opposites. Parents encouraged uniqueness, yet provided stability. They were highly responsive to kids’ needs, yet challenged kids to develop skills. This resulted in a sort of adaptability: in times of anxiousness, clear rules could reduce chaos—yet when kids were bored, they could seek change, too. In the space between anxiety and boredom was where creativity flourished.”  For those of you who have read the new book, Shine, by Dr. Edward Hallowell, you will recognize Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi’s name for his work.

That’s our contribution to yet another element of EQ.

December 2011

How did you hear about MYT and its EQ work?

What was your first experience like?
It was overwhelmingly exciting. The orientation session felt like it was designed just for me and opened up possibilities that there was hope in helping me be less stressed, more productive and overall a mentally healthier and happier person. A challenge I was so looking forward to begin.

How did you react to your IDP (Individual Development Plan) and do you still refer to it?
Not surprised as to the results.  It was very true to my situation at the time.  I do not refer to the IDP itself since much improvement was made and I continue to follow the recommendations, but I do go back to the manual for clarity in my thoughts and feelings and/or how best to handle a situation.

Did you receive focused, direct, and honest feedback from your “observers?”
Yes, maybe at times more direct than others but extremely helpful and necessary.

Tell the readers about the coaching calls. What were they like?
Aneel & Shani were awesome!  The calls first of all were very focused on my state of being at the time. I was coached through handling a situation instead of going through what I’m doing or have done.  Spent most of the time crying, but the time on the phone gave me the strength and tools to go on till the next meeting. They referenced the IDP to keep me focused on my workable actions. They were very caring, soft spoken and genuinely know their stuff. “They are incredible” – I looked  forward to their calls.

How many times have you been through the workshop?
Only once.

Are they still helpful? Do you feel you are more emotionally competent? If so, can you share an experience where it helped you?
I am definitely more emotionally competent.  My situation where a major change had occurred was in the work environment.  I was very frustrated and angry that things were not working how I wanted. I felt the staff/boss were my enemies and took things so personally. This program provided me with the perspective to step back and think with a clear mind and not react. Reflect on what the situation is at the moment and not generalize, my mental health played an important role on my behavior.  One would think that breathing, a walk or some exercise would make such difference, well it did for me. I am much happier, communicating more effectively and my work environment has seen a positive change.

Was attending MYT worth the investment and if so how can you quantify it?
My boss definitely said it was worth it and I agree. This has allowed us to be more productive with our time and the less stressed I was the less my boss was. It helped increase our client acquisition by 200%, increase my areas of responsibilities for insurance sales by 25%; the overall improvement of 1% in business growth alone paid for this program many times over.  -Thank you from myself and Randall Perkins.

December 2011