How did you hear about MYT and its EQ work?

How did you react to your IDP – Individual Development Plan – and do you still refer to it?
I definitely took a positive approach to the feedback that was established and I have grown significantly as I have taken the time to improve my experiences with people and my relationships. I have been able to have relaxing experiences without heavy anxiety.

Tell the readers about the coaching calls – what were they like?
Coaching calls while brief, only 30 minutes normally in duration, were with two individuals who teach the program and they are calm and supportive as they provide growth and assistance as you deal with your IDP.

How many times have you been through the workshop?
Once.

Was attending MYT worth the investment and if so, can you quantify it?
The time and money spent attending this program is well worth it. I highly recommend it.

We have all heard about this man, but until I took the time to research his biography my understanding of his contribution to the world was, at best, modest. According to the 20-20 Site, “he was born at Athens, not earlier than 471 B.C. nor later than May or June 469 B.C. As a youth he received the customary instruction in gymnastics and music; and in after years he made himself acquainted with geometry and astronomy and studied the methods and the doctrines of the leaders of Greek thought and culture. He began life as a sculptor; and in the 2nd century A.D. a group of the Graces, supposed to be his work, was still to be seen on the road to the Acropolis. But he soon abandoned art and gave himself to what may best be called education, conceiving that he had a divine commission, witnessed by oracles, dreams and signs, not indeed to teach any positive doctrine, but to convict men of ignorance mistaking itself for knowledge, and by so doing to promote their intellectual and moral improvement.”

Well if that was his purpose – to use a term favored by my friends Roy Geer and Ed Kelly at Summit Journey Coaching – it was an enormously noble and tremendously useful one. Now that we have a better understanding of what happens inside of his brain, this insight was incredibly accurate 2000+ years ago.

In 2006, David Rock and Jeffrey Schwartz wrote an article for the Harvard Business Review entitled “The Neuroscience of Leadership.”  There were many insightful observations in this publication.  Among them, and in the order positioned by the article, were:

• Achieving the company’s goals will continue to be a challenge unless there is meaningful change in the day-to-day behavior of the people throughout the organization.
• Science and business, long separated by different objectives, have recently become better at merging their talents.
• “Scientists have gained a new, far more accurate view of human nature and behavior change because of the integration of psychology (the study of the human behavior) and neuroscience (the study of the anatomy and physiology of the brain).”  They have done this in large part via the use of functional magnetic resonating imaging (fMRI) and position emission tomography (PET).
• Any organizational change is going to be a challenge as it stimulates psychological trepidation.  Given the economic and financial anxiety that has permeated our psyche in recent years, when it comes to job security every one of us has a friend or family member that does not have a quality job as they did 5 years ago.  That leaves those of us at work to be reasonably anxious when new organizational directives come at us.  It is unsettling to say the least.  So the pain of change that we would normally find troubling has an extra tone of “if I do not get it right away, will I be next?

They also point out what does not work when it comes to change.  Here is their list and in their article they provide an explanation as to why each does not work as well as it should.

• Behaviorism
• Humanism
• Focus is Power
• Expectation Shapes Reality
• Attention Density Shapes Identity

Rock and Schwartz suggest that “Mindful Change in Practice” does work, and they build a compelling case that when you are leading, use Socratic Questioning. When you know the answer, use Socratic questioning to draw out the answer from the follower and in doing so, they will learn faster than if you teach them the answer or you have them learn it on their own. This process will help the follower find a “Moment of Insight” that sparks the brain to capture the lesson more quickly than any other methodology.

Does it really work?  Well Ann Rosenbaum at Post High School in Idaho has taken a stand against technology (preferred by state education leaders – and presumptively encouraged by Dell, Intel, etc.)  and instead emphasized teaching her students differently.  She artfully turned the recent rush to technology aside and has preferred to draw out of her student’s answers that feed on previous questions.  Here is what the NY Times reported: “Ms. Rosenbaum, tall with an easy smile but also a commanding presence, stood in the center of the room with rows of desks, pacing, peppering the students with questions and using each answer to prompt the next.”  She was leading them through “The Book Thief,” a novel about a family in Germany that hides a Jewish girl during World War II.

She was in essence creating many “Moments of Insight,” and I recommend that you do the same with those you are leading. So when leading others and you know the answer, ask your follower as many questions as you can to slowly inch them to the decision that you know will get the results she will enjoy. You can even consider allowing them to come 90% close and allow them to self discover the 10% they missed, but only on one condition. That 10% cannot be a deal breaker to your organizations values or ethics, nor can it cause significant financial harm to the firm.

Photo: Socrates by flickr user bencrowe.

In last month’s article we discussed the importance of empowering children to become contributing members of our homes by helping them discover how capable they are through meaningful work. We also discussed some age-appropriate “jobs” that children can do around the house. This month I’d like to take some time to discuss principles that are important in helping to empower children to gain belonging and significance through their contribution to the family.

Taking Time for Training
Taking time to help children learn how to do tasks is critical to empowering them to be independent. Often times we either do things for children that they can do for themselves or we “delegate” it to them without any real training and become critical later on. Neither of these approaches helps in developing a healthy sense of self in children. Instead, if we take time to break down tasks into small, concrete steps, and give clear expectations on how to do it, children are generally quick studies, eager to learn to do it themselves.

In teaching children how to do a task, consider the following:

• Be sure that you can accept imperfection in the result. If not, you may want to choose a different job for them to do.
• Never finish or correct the job for the child.  Let their best work be their best work.
• Break the task down into a few concrete and understandable steps.  Think this out before hand, especially if the child is under 5 years old. (Children this age need simple and concrete examples and are very literal.)
• After the lesson, work with your child.
• After he/she begins to become more competent with the task work near your child in case he/she needs help.
• When they are competent with the task, allow them independence.
• If a task needs “inspection,” create a checklist that your child can use to check their own work vs. being critiqued by the adult.  If follow-through by the adult is needed then use questioning vs. telling in evaluating the results (ages 6+).
• For children under 5, and the task is not being done thoroughly, consider giving another lesson at another time vs. correcting it on the spot.
• Allow for struggle – it’s OK.  Take away the struggle and you take away the victory!

Involve Children in Chore/Task Choosing
One of the best ways to encourage “buy-in” for chores is to allow children some choice in what chores they want to do. Of course, there are always going to be things we have to do that we don’t want to do that are on our list, but involving children in the creation of chore charts and routines can reduce power struggles when the newly taught tasks lose the luster that comes with a new responsibility.

Mix It Up
Allow for change in routines and chores over time. While there are certainly things that children will always have to do for themselves for self-care (making bed, brushing teeth, cleaning room, etc.), chores and work for the family can be rotated between family members to keep things “fresh” and allow for newly-learned skills.

Know Your Limitations – It’s Progress not Perfection
If it’s really important to you that your grass have perfectly straight mower lines, and that the trimming is done ever-so carefully, this is probably not a task that you want to delegate to your 12-year old. We all have our pet peeves, and most of them are silly to others, but not to us! So, whether our expectations are rational or not, it’s important that we know what tasks we can let go of and what tasks we can’t!

Progress not Perfection
Allow for mistakes – they’re the best way to learn! Over time children will get better and better at taking care of themselves and helping the family. They need the space to grow, get better at what they’re doing, and trust in that they want to do their best. While it’s really important to follow-through and help children learn the value of a completed task, it’s also vital to avoid discouragement. It can be really discouraging to have done your best work as a child and then hear that it wasn’t good enough. Good generalship is called for in discerning between a half-effort and a child’s best work. Consider focusing on the child’s efforts and giving honest encouragement on the process vs. focusing solely on the results.

Consistency and Follow-Through
Much of what we have discussed up to this point is focused on teaching and encouraging children to find their capabilities and facilitate an environment where they can help in meaningful ways. However, as children become more capable and the newness of a responsibility wears off and the need for self-discipline kicks in, children will always need follow-through by adults. This is not only important to help build self-discipline, but it also says to our children that we do need their help and that they are important and needed members of our family, and as such there are expectations.

Here are some effective ways to reduce power-struggles and increase cooperation when creating an environment of responsibility and accountability:

• Let routine be the boss. Establish few and consistent routines that are predictable. If Saturday morning is room cleaning time, then that’s what we do on Saturday mornings! Be careful not to over- or under-routinize your schedule, as both lead to inconsistency!
• Work together. If routines are set up for house cleaning, room cleaning, outside work, etc., and everyone does their work at the same time, children feel a sense of belonging to the bigger unit and don’t feel as though they’re being singled out.
• Involve children in the planning of routines.
• Mix it up (above).
• Use few words when following up and avoid lectures.

Remember the Goal
The purpose of preparing an environment where children have the opportunity to contribute to their family through meaningful work is not simply to instill skills and responsibility, but to develop a strong sense of self-worth and social interest. There has been much written in the last few decades about the need for “intrinsic value” or being accepted just as we are, and this is vital to a strong sense of self-worth. We also need a strong sense of instrumental value that comes from making a contribution to others and service and culminates in mutual respect.

Photo: Children At Work by flickr user SyN+H.

Many of you remember the left brain/right brain configuration. The right is the “commitment” side, while the left is the competence side. The former is more emotionally oriented, more artistically inclined and thus makes decisions around things such as making a commitment. The latter is the analytical and calculating side of the brain which helps us understand what is necessary to make a commitment. The right can become a bit dramatic while the left likes being tough and calculating. What resource do we have to help us decide which way to lean? It is the prefrontal cortex, that place just behind your forehead that has to navigate the pull from the right and the left, and which hopefully steers us in the appropriate direction more frequently than not.

In the March 5th Health Special section of the NY Times, Jeffrey Kluger wrote an article entitled ‘The Science of Building Will Power.’  In it he explains the challenge that these two lobes have on a regular basis and how they are trumped by our most “decadent appetites for drinking, gambling, eating, smoking, shopping, sloth, and sex.”  What is it that “upper brain” has as a resource to combat these “lower brain” drives? Willpower.

Previously we spoke about intention in a similar way. When we intend to do something the brain goes on a holding pattern to see if our action to move ahead or not gives it a clue as to what we really mean. In either case a neuropathway will be started, which says we will act. From there the action keeps layering the new habit until we can depend on it. We are then released to be creative thinkers while we utilize our new habit. That’s why we are less likely to be creative when first learning a skill and more creative when we have mastered it. Our brain is super focused on building that skill. Once we have it we can hit cruise control.

Our brain is very fickle when it is getting ready to try something new. We now know what is going to happen if we act, but what happens when we don’t act?  The neuropathway does not get built and the new habit remains nothing more than a good intention. But there is more. If on a reasonably regular basis we choose to act, the brain gets into the habit of prepping itself for action when a new intention surfaces. Alternatively, if on a reasonably regular basis we choose not to act on a new intention, the brain gets into the habit of not prepping itself for action, as there is not much of a track record to rely upon. NY Times reporter Charles Duhigg, in his book The Power of Habit, states that “40% of the actions we perform each day are the product not of deliberate action but of habit.”

When it comes to games of chance it is amusing to watch the brain in action. In his book Your Money & Your Brain, Jason Zweig describes the upper and lower brain using the term reflective for the upper and reflexive for the lower. He cites an experiment by psychologist Paul Andreassen, who set up an artificial stock market game. One group had the chance to see the level of stock prices and another only the differences in stock prices.

“Depending on how much the stocks fluctuated, investors who focused on price levels earned between five and ten times higher profits than those who paid no attention to price changes. That’s because the investors who fixated on price changes traded too much, trying to shave profits off of interim fluctuations, while those who paid attention to price levels were more content to hold on for the long haul.”

What is the secret? Demand that these two work together. Whether it is “upper” and “lower” or “reflexive” and “reflective,” willpower-intention will be your support mechanism.

As this article is being written, the Mega Millions jackpot has surpassed $500,000,000. California’s “SuperLotto Plus” published odds as 41,416,353 to 1. If the same or similar mathematics applies to Mega Millions, the logical mind says there is little chance I can win, but the how it might “feel” is a powerful rebuttal, especially if you have previously won a game of chance. Carnival barkers are thrilled when someone knocks over the trio of metal milk bottles off of the small stool. They know that those watching the big stuffed puppy dog being hauled away will inevitably be lured into trying, and that there is a good chance that person who won will circle back and have another go at it. I’d bet that if we interviewed that winner beforehand and asked her if she could knock the bottles off, she would readily admit there was not much likelihood.

So what about chocolate and carrots? Ayelet Fishback, a professor of behavioral science at the University of Chicago, ran an interesting study. She offered her subjects two bowls, one filled with carrots and one with chocolates, side by side. People ate more carrots than chocolate. However, when she mixed them together, people took more chocolate. “That the two foods touch seems to cause some of the magical goodness to rub off on the chocolate.” This “halo effect” is the same mental error that occurs when we eat the fries after a big workout at the gym. “It is not logical” says the left side of the brain. The right brain, encouraged by the “lower” brain, says “you will feel good” eating them.

Photo by flickr user Kirti Poddar.

By Chip DeLorenzo

There has been much written over the last few decades about the importance of finding meaning in our lives. Adults are in pursuit of meaning in various ways.  They leave important high paying jobs to find occupations that fulfill them internally; they give what’s left of their busy schedules to volunteer for schools, churches and non-profit organizations; and they seek to pass on their knowledge and experience to others in an attempt to help. Why this drive? Alfred Adler, one of the fathers of contemporary psychology, would argue that one of man’s deepest longings is to find belonging and significance amongst his community, and that the only way to truly find that is to serve others in a meaningful way.

Children need connection with others, especially their family. It is their primary social/emotional goal, and in order to gain that connection they need to know that they have a meaningful and important role in their community/family. Show me a child with healthy self-esteem and I’ll show you a child who feels like he/she belongs. Show me a child who feels like she belongs, and I’ll show you a child who understands that she is capable of making a meaningful contribution to her family and community. Children don’t develop self-esteem through praise, rewards and being advocated for. They gain self-esteem through a deep understanding that they are independent, capable and needed.

How do we create an environment where children get a chance to experience their own capability and importance to their families and communities? It’s more difficult now than it was a century ago. We’re a wealthier nation, with more technology (easier lives) and less need for children to contribute to the family financially or through labor. We simply don’t need children in a practical or financial sense like we did when agriculture and family businesses were the norm. We have to work very hard to give children opportunities to work and provide meaning to the family.

First of all, children are incredibly capable. As part of my job, I interview parents during the admissions process for our Montessori School. During the process many parents will comment about how intelligent and capable their child seems. I always reassure them that they are probably right, and that one of the things that they are discovering is how intelligent and capable all children are. We don’t really get a chance to experience that unless we have our own children or work with them everyday. They are amazing. Current brain research is tells us that infants as young as six months old understand a lot more verbal language than was previously believed.

In Montessori schools all over the world, we spend a lot of our time teaching young children how to do practical life activities that many people think are out of reach for a two-and-a-half or three-year-old. In order to start helping children gain a sense of belonging and significance (self-esteem) by providing them with opportunities to experience their independence, ability to help and capability, let’s start by identifying some important “jobs” that children are capable of, by age level:

Ages 2.5 to 5

Self-Care

Helping the Family

Ages 6-9

Self-Care

Helping the Family

Ages 9-12+

Self-Care

Helping the Family

 Part 1 of a two-part series. Photo courtesy of flickr user USDAgov.

The coaching calls were extremely valuable to me; I miss them. Shani and Aneel are amazing at what they do, pulling threads of ideas and thoughts from conversation and tying them back to the IDP while putting them to good use in helping maintain a balanced EQ. I have integrated a few key elements into my life, such as specific gratitudes, meditations and thought records. They help me manage anger and see situations for what they really are.

MYT was a valuable workshop, not only in giving me specific areas where I could move myself and my practices to a higher level, but also in helping me evaluate my life, the stressors in it and my ability to deal with those stressors competently and with patience and ease. My stress has decreased since. My ability to remain calm in daily interactions and focus on solutions has greatly increased.

By Chip DeLorenzo

In last month’s article, we began the conversation about allowing children to have their own experience, and how easy it is to over-help or under-help children as they are learning new skills and how to be capable, confident and independent young people.  This time we’ll address strategies to allow children to learn from their own experiences in a manner that is safe, encouraging and empowering.

Taking Time for Teaching
Taking time to identify and teach children important tasks that they can do for themselves and the family is critical in avoiding over and under-helping. If children know how to do something, and you know it, you can feel safe in allowing them to make mistakes.

Taking time for teaching simply means intentionally carving out time to train children how to do something for themselves. For younger children this might mean zipping jackets, dressing themselves or carrying their own things. For elementary-aged children, this might mean setting the table, taking out the garbage, vacuuming, cleaning the bathroom or starting their own business (food stands, shoveling snow, etc.). For middle and high school students: applying for a job, driving, grocery shopping, doing their own laundry, etc.

By helping themselves and the family, children gain a sense that they are an integral part of the structure. They realize that they are capable and significant, and gain confidence in their ability to make a difference. What tasks or skills do you find yourself doing for your child that they can probably do for themselves?

Work With and Around Children
Did you ever have one of those uh-oh moments where you realize that your children watch you very closely as they are figuring out how to navigate the world? It’s scary to realize how much of an impact we have on our children, and how much they emulate us. However, it should be comforting to know that our children also pick up on our positive traits – persistence, honesty, hard-work, problem-solving, etc. – as well as our bad habits.

In order to learn from our good qualities and to avoid over-helping and under-helping, it is important to first work with and then around children as they learn a new skill. When a child is learning a new skill, working with them gives us the opportunity to provide encouragement, observe them and ultimately help them when they really need it. It also helps to model persistence, resilience and focus on quality. After a child starts becoming more capable, working around them (but not with them) gives them the confidence by understanding that we trust them to work on their own, but we are there if needed.

Allowing Appropriate Struggle
When we allow children to appropriately struggle so that they can learn from their own mistakes, they build the qualities of independence, resilience and persistence, as long as they are capable of achieving the task. Here are some good guidelines for allowing children to struggle, appropriately:

1. Know yourself. Are you an over-helper or an under-helper? Are you more likely to jump in and “rescue” your child if they’re struggling?  Are you more likely to give them too much room for struggle and allow for discouragement?  If so, take care to watch and make adjustments as you practice allowing your child to learn from their mistakes.
2. Know your child.  What are they capable of?  Where are their blind spots or sensitivities?  Check in with other adults who have contact with your child. Are there things that he/she can do when they’re not in your company (school, sports, camp, scouts, etc.) that they seem to be incapable of at home?
3. Build on strengths and interests. Children will be more apt to work through difficulty and develop healthy persistence if they are invested in the process. If your child loves to work outside, raking leaves might be a better chore than scrubbing the bathroom. If they are more interested in art than soccer, drawing lessons may give room for exercising their  persistence muscles.
4. Understand that as much as our children are like us, they are not us. They have different interests, different talents and they surely have different priorities. Understanding our children’s differences allows us to adjust our expectations and build up and encourage their unique set of talents and intersts.
5. Provide encouragement. Avoid praise of the product, and focus on how the child feels about their progress (not outcome). Ask questions like, “How did you feel about it?” and “What did you learn?” Use encouraging statements focused on progress and the process like, “You worked really hard today,” “I noticed that you have been practicing a lot at home” and “You must feel good about that.”
6. Step back when you know they can do it, even if they ask for help!  When you do this give a nod of encouragement, stay close and be quiet. When they persevere, provide encouragement like, “Congratulations” or “I noticed that you really stuck that out.”

Hold your child accountable for what they can do. This can be the greatest encouragement of all. If you know your child is capable, then the encouragement of requiring them to accomplish a task by themselves without help will show your confidence. Make statements like, “I understand you are struggling, but I know you are capable, and I am going to ask that you take care of this by yourself.”  Can you remember a teacher, parent, coach or boss holding a line like this?  How did you feel?

Image: Raking leaves c by flickr user ninnet.

By Art DeLorenzo

Just a year-and-a-half ago my wife and I were in Italy visiting Cinqua Terra. These five sleepy fishing villages lie on the Mediterranean side of the country, south of Genoa. We had left the hustle and bustle of Paris for the quiet and serenity of my native land. The drive was both beautiful and relaxing. As we settled into our the hotel in Tellaro, we knew this was the right spot for us.  The sound of the ocean was soothing; the lure of a local chef inviting. After a delicious dinner, we retired to rest for the adventure of the next day: a boat ride to two of the fishing villages.

In the morning, instead of taking the car to the port city of Lerici, we took the local minibus to avoid a parking headache. The day was magnificent. As night ensued, the recollection of the previous night’s wonderful dinner drew us back to our hotel; we were not disappointed in the least.  The  villages were just what we expected, while the love tunnel from the second to the first was littered with “passionate” messages that young lovers share.

The third day appeared to be just as exciting.  After a quick breakfast, the trip began with another minibus ride. This time, after just one stop, I realized I had left an item behind at the hotel. Deb agreed to go on to Lerici and buy our boat tickets. while I walked back the short distance. When the minibus returned from its short route I was ready for the trip to the remaining three villages. At the first stop – the same I had departed from 20 minutes ago – I realized that this trip was going to be different. Not only was this the minibus for us grownups, it was also the local school bus. The first two people who boarded were a mother and son (maybe five years old) who were at significant odds with each other over the child’s unwillingness to leave for school. He was wailing and the mother was equally aggressive. Next on board was a second mother encountering the same situation. I sat back and watched this drama unfold for the balance of the short trip. Mom and son number one continued their attack-counterattack. It ended with the son jumping off of the bus, yelling that he hated his mother, while she recanted that he was a worthless lazy lout. On the other hand, the second mom soothed her unsettled son with kind words of endearment and encouragement, suggesting that his day was going to be great and that his teachers loved him and that his friends could not wait to see him. When he departed it was with a quick jump, a wave to his mom and a greeting of excitement to his friends.

The second mother had demonstrated a high level of EQ, the same stuff we teach in our MYT Original™ Program and which we give a very good over view in our promotional EQ not IQ Workshop. Not only was it good for her and her son physiologically, it was a behavior that could be counted on in the future. After all, having a high level of EQ allows us to experience life’s circumstances with calm whether we like them or not. This boy was being prepared for his future life’s circumstances by the thoughtfulness of his well-intentioned mother.

On January 31^st, a study was released on CNN that helped me understand what was actually occurring during this experience.  This study involved working mothers who were required to complete a large amount of paperwork, accompanied by their three-year-old child. As the mothers and children entered the laboratory setting, the mothers were escorted to their well-equipped desks to do their paperwork, while the children were given a wrapped present to open when their mother’s paperwork was completed. The researchers retreated to their two-way mirrors and observed – as I did in Italy – the varying behaviors of their subjects. Some mothers were openly irritated that the children kept pestering them to open the gift before the paperwork was completed. Some were rather aggressive in expressing that irritation. And some were kind, thoughtful and nurturing as they soothed their child, assuring them that when they did get to open their gift it would be wonderful. They were coddled and kissed and encouraged to play with the other toys in the room.

When the study was completed a number of years later, the children’s hippocampus was measured. What is the hippocampus?  Here is what about.com says:

The hippocampus is the part of the brain that is involved in memory forming, organizing, and storing. It is a limbic system structure that is particularly important in forming new memories and connecting emotions and senses, such as smell and sound, to memories. The hippocampus is a horseshoe shaped paired structure, with one hippocampus located in the left brain hemisphere and the other in the right hemisphere. The hippocampus acts as a memory indexer by sending memories out to the appropriate part of the cerebral hemisphere for long-term storage and retrieving them when necessary.

Function:

The hippocampus is involved in several functions of the body including: 

• Consolidation of New Memories
• Emotional Responses
• Navigation
• Spatial Orientation

Researchers found that the children who were being kissed, hugged and soothed had larger hippocampuses than the children who were not nurtured as thoughtfully. Mom #2 had it right, for herself and her son. She was building the neuropathways in her son’s brain that would stand him in good stead as he faces life’s circumstances.

If you have been “on the fence” about registering for our up-coming MYT Original™ Programs in Washington, DC on April 26 or Boston on April 27, we hope that this explanation will convince you to attend and grow your EQ.  We do it better than anyone and the data on our website validates that fact.

Image: Italy-7 by flickr user Walt Hubis.

Managing stress is a day-to-day battle, and it is helpful to focus on the good things in life when a particular day or event seems overwhelming mentally and emotionally. Life is unpredictable and the focus of  MYT is to always prioritize the important things in life and devalue those things that are bothersome and insignificant. There is a short story called “The Mayonnaise Jar” that reminds me of the MYT workshop. The story reads as follows:

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, When 24 hours in a day is not enough; remember the mayonnaise jar and 2 cups of coffee.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. 

When the class  began, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and started to fill it with golf balls. 

He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. 

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured it into the jar.  He shook the jar lightly.  The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. 

He then asked the students again if the jar was full.  They agreed it was. 

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.  Of course, the sand filled up everything else. 

He asked once more if the jar was full. 

The students responded with a unanimous ‘yes.’

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. 

The students laughed. 

Now, said the professor, as the laughter subsided, I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.  

The golf balls are the important things: God, family, children, health, friends and favorite passions. Things that if everything else was lost and  only they remained, your life would still be full. 

The pebbles are the things that matter like your job, house and car. 

The sand is everything else: the small stuff. 

If you put the sand into the jar first, he continued, there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.  The same goes for life. 

If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. So, pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.  Play with your children, take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner to dinner. 

There will always be time to clean the house and fix the dripping tap. 

Take care of the golf balls first – things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand. 

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled and said I’m glad you asked. 

It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend. 

The MYT workshop provides a plan and details the steps that help make the search for peace and happiness attainable. I am lucky to have had the opportunity to attend MYT.

Wendy Gorman
Marinaccio, Sangirardi & Associates | A financial advisory practice of Ameriprise Financial Services, Inc.

Photo: Hourglass by flickr user John-Morgan.

Last month we discussed three tools to use with children to help with follow-through.  The purpose of using these tools with children is to create a respectful family environment for children and adults. The idea is to create that environment for both children and adults.  To do so it is important to be kind at the same time as being firm.

Children really want to know that we mean what we say, and will only say what we mean.  This helps them feel safe and in control, versus feeling controlled because our behavior is predictable. When they can predict how we react, they can manage their reactions and emotions consistently.

Thinking through limits before we set them is really important to being able to follow through. For instance, a mistake that I made was when I told my three-year-old that I would leave him at the house if he didn’t put his shoes on. I was bluffing, as you can imagine. I did not think this through to insure that I could follow through, and I bet you can guess his reaction: “OK, Dad, I’ll stay here.”  Whoops!

So, if we’re kind and firm, consistent, and to what we say we will do, we develop trust and mutual respect with our children. Here are three more tools for setting kind and firm limits with children that maintains their dignity and sanity , as well as your own:

1. Create special signals with your child ahead of time. This is especially helpful in public situations. You can set up a signal of putting your hand on their shoulder if they are interrupting you, which conveys “I love you and hear you, but I’m going to finish my conversation before we talk.”
2. Use 10 words or less when making a request. In response to an objection either say nothing and stay present, or simply repeat the exact same request with no change in tone.
3. If your child is doing something that they shouldn’t and you both know that fact, then simply make eye contact, say nothing, and wait for them to make their own correction. Note: it’s really important that you are certain that your child and you both know why you are making silent eye contact; otherwise this could be confusing or intimidating. The principal is to be kind and firm at the same time.

In workshops with parents we call these tools “Alternatives to Nagging.” Bext time you feel yourself ready to launch into reminding, coaxing, nagging or complaining, try one of these tools, and see if it fits.

Photo: Trust by flickr user CairoCarol